Two holding hands

Bring back the desire.

Seeking the mystery in familiar eyes.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

Do you remember the way you looked at your partner at the beginning of your relationship? Looking into those eyes that you have never seen before, drawn by the way she sees life or how he is so different than anyone you have ever met.

Do you remember the tangible electricity bursting through your body the first time he put his hand on your leg or the first time you went in for that kiss?

Do you remember those nights that turned into mornings with endless conversations about love and life?

And the passion, do you remember the passion? It is like a magnet drawing your bodies to each other, the feeling of complete freedom in the eyes of the one that desires you. Waking up and feeling truly alive, daydreaming about that night, those hands, those eyes, those lips, that voice – completely captivated. Feeling intimately connected and erotically satisfied.

Do you remember the desire?

But it does not last?

So many couples share the same story: “We started off irresistibly in love”; “the discovery was intriguing”; “the attraction tangible”; “the passion fierce”; “we were pursued with great passion and we pursued with intense desire”; “we spent as much time together getting to know each other”; “the passion and sexual chemistry was great…”  Then a couple of months or years down the line and the honeymoon phase was over! The butterflies had turned into irritation; you think you have heard all their stories; you try to change that uniqueness you first fell in love; long evenings of conversation had turned into making dinner, watching tv and doing chores. Oh, and that mind-blowing sex has either become habitual routine sex or non-existent at all. The desire and passion have cooled down, we have decided that we completely know our partner; there is nothing mysterious and exciting.  And alas marital boredom is born. You are suddenly not attracted to your spouse anymore, you are having dreams and fantasies about sexual experiences with other people and before you know it – you find yourself in an affair, in a sexless marriage or on the verge of leaving the relationship because there is no connection, no chemistry, no excitement – nothing.

Why we fall out of desire? 

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner.

Between being a friend and an erotic partner we lose the mystery.

Mystery fuels desire.

Desire only exist when mystery is involved. The mystery is what keeps desire alive and what keeps you interested and what will keep your partner interested in you. The mystery is what keeps you thinking about the person you are with and keep you wanting to find out more about them, to be with them, to study them. When we are in a relationship, we usually think the goal is to know each other completely – as if a person can be boxed into your own idea of who they are. You see desire and passion thrives on unpredictability, thrives on the unknown and mysterious. In order to bridge the gap between familiarity and mystery, that deadens desire and passion, is to seek out the mystery in your partner. To come to the realization that you will never truly and completely know your partner, that there is so much more to discover, to recognize, to explore – than what you have already come to know.

It reminds me of what Marcel Proust once said: “The real voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”. The invitation is not in seeking someone new but in the decision to see the familiar with new eyes. To be curious, to have a sense of wonder and being intrigued by the unknowable nature of your partner. It is just like the sunrise. Each morning grants the gift of the rising sun, every sunrise filled with mystery and surprise in every season, climate, country, temperature, at the beach, in the bushveld, etc. The great effect is when I decide to pay attention, allowing myself to be captivated by the beauty again, realizing that each sunrise may be different and seeking the mystery, the surprises, the uniqueness of each morning.

Where are you in your relationship? Have the monster of boredom and routine stolen the excitement and edge in your marriage? Have you lost your sense of wonder and curiosity for your partner? Has the sexual tension cooled down below freezing point?

Maybe it is time to embark on activities that draw and seeks out the mystery in your partner…

A couple kissing.

Bring back the mystery.

Become curious again…

Ask questions. Look beyond the surface. Stay interested. The fact is that even after many years of being together, you still have a lot to learn about your partner – especially when it comes to sex. The idea that your partner should know exactly what you want and how you want it is surreal and will only leave you disappointed and unsatisfied. The reverse is also true, how will you know what your partner wants and likes if you don’t ask? This might be a little bit challenging in the beginning if you are not used to having conversations about your sexual likes and dislikes. But what an adventure when you face that challenge become curious again. Your partner will become even more mysterious once you embark on a journey of exploration of each other’s sexual desires, fantasies, likes, and dislikes. The goal is not to create tension when you realize that what you have been doing is really not working for your partner and he/she actually has an appetite for something quite different than what you thought. Remember, being curious is also opening yourself to a new mysterious space in your relationship that will both challenge your partner and yourself… emotionally and erotically.

Inviting unpredictability/spontaneity into the room…

The goal is to bring a sense of the unknown into a familiar space. We are afraid of inviting unpredictability into our marriages as it feels risky and unsafe. But “Eroticism is risky”, as Esther Perel states so perfectly. Sexual excitement needs unpredictability and spontaneity. If you are used to the routine of getting into bed at 10 pm and expecting your partner to lean over and initiate your timeous and habitual sexual connection – you might just develop a headache or two in the long run. Inviting spontaneity is crucial in igniting the mystery in your relationship and challenges both of you to dig into your intimate selves and letting your sexual needs be made visible. You will need your imagination and creative juices for this one. The goal is to keep the adventure alive and replacing routine and habitual sex with exciting, edgy and spontaneous sex. Start with small changes like making your bed and even bedroom off limits for a while – that will encourage you to find new and exciting places to have sex. This will also give you the opportunity to be caught off guard and intrigued by your partner’s exciting ideas. Let your creative juices flow – think of new places and spaces, think of role play, think of the element of surprise… The options are endless.

Explore your partner in a fresh, exciting and intimate way

The most important part is to make it your own and to allow yourself to explore your partner in a fresh, exciting and intimate way. To move beyond the ordinary, daily relationship filled with life and all the responsibilities thereof and enter a world where you become lovers again, where desire and passion take its rightful place in your marriage and the mystery inside each other captivates, intrigues and attracts again. 

Without curiosity and unpredictability, there is no mystery, without mystery, there is no excitement and without excitement, sex becomes habitual, ordinary and boring. The invitation today is to allow yourself to seek the mystery (that inherently creates excitement, desire, and passion) in those all too familiar eyes. 

An author biography.

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