A couple kissing.

What do we want from sex?

The question is, what do we want from sex?

When I ask couples this, they answer, great orgasm, great blowjob, lots of kissing, seeing that you enjoy it, feel you, intimacy. What they long for are pleasure and closeness. I call it pleasurable closeness.

However, when I ask them what they experience in reality couples say, frustration, used, forced, alone, you are not there, we are not what we were, it could be better, empty.

What we want from sex and what we get doesn’t measure up. Lots of couples are sexually disillusioned. They enjoy sex, but they thought there ought to be more. I get questions like, are we doing something wrong, are we sexually compatible, do we need to something else, try something else?

I do not think so. I do not believe something else, something different would contribute to a better outcome.

From our birth, we have unconsciously experienced being separate from the world. The cutting of the umbilical cord and the separation from the mother creates the feeling of being alone and creates the longing to be one with the other once again.We have a deep longing to be re-connected to the other in a womb-like relationship.

Our sexuality or sexual energy is what forces us to seek closeness and intimacy as we experienced in the womb.Sexuality or sexual energy, the drive towards the other, contains our deepest unconscious selfish needs.So what we actually what from sex is being connected to the other, experiencing a womb-like feeling of being cared for, being held, the nurturing of my soul.

The challenge is that we feel sexually attracted to someone, we want intercourse to feel connected, but sex per se, on its own, cannot produce closeness and intimacy. Intimacy and connection is a result of a journey where a couple meets each other in closeness, vulnerability, kindness and giving to my partner what he/she needs the most as human beings. It is the result of a journey outside the bedroom.Sex can strengthen and celebrate intimacy and connection but could create it.

Could your discomfort and frustrations about your sexual journey be something more?Could it be that there are two lonely people in your house, that from time to time try to connect, try to feel loved and appreciated by having sex, but the rest of the time they drown in responsibilities, parenting roles, job responsibilities feeling invisible, alone and worthless?

What could help couples is to learn to ask questions like, how do you feel with me, what do you need from me to feel loved, when do you feel the most rejected and alone, when do you feel the most loved? 

Intimacy is born where these questions meet kindness, understanding, and someone stretching to get me. 

We need more than sex.

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